
Dear Readers,
Sitting down and seeing the truths and facts, made me understand more. I have plenty of whom I call friends, yet out of the whole bunch, who is a true friend? Its just too early to say anything. Yet, theres one, who is always there for me. That is QiaoYing.
I have never even wanted to trust anyone. Yet, I did otherwise. Coming to a new school, makes me want to live my life differently. For once, I really wanted to trust. I believe that everyone is a true friend. Yet, it wasnt. Now, I am afraid to trust anyone anymore. I dont even know who is a true friend. I have been blinded. You can scold me for being stupid, yes I am. You can encourage me, but I cant be encouraged. The very first time of learning to trust someone, turned out to be like this. How can there ever be a 2nd time?
Nevertheless, I will still want to thanks all those who have been there for me. Whether it is true, or may it be againt your will. I thank you for taking all the trouble for helping me, listening to me, encouraging me on.
I realised something, I am much happier when I am not myself. For when I am myself, I want people to be happy, yet ending up, me being drag down unhappy too. Its my nature for asking people to smile. It is my nature for me asking people to be happy, but the saddest thing is, I, myself, dont know how to make myself happy.
I am yet having troubles with my heart again. Guys, Please dont be nice to me. I fall for it easily. I dont know why, for cause its just me! To me there are 3 types of guys. The first is guys I would like at first sight, but well, that just stops there. For its just admiring. The 2nd is guys which I will never like, dont ask me why? Well, it could sort of be their character? Or maybe they have nothing that makes me admire them. HAHA!
Lastly, the 3rd is the kind where love just grows after a period of time. To me, this is no longer like, this is love. This kind of love will last a long long time.
I dont know what kind of love I am looking for. I miss being in love. I have 3 things I look in a guy that is presentable? personality and how he treats me, he definitely have to be FAITHFUL. Yet, I realised, there is a 4th. Which is something so special, that I find it hard to explain. There just one thing I hate that is short term relationship. There is simple no point in it.
Oh well, now, though I miss love, I cant be assured by it. I dont have that trust in myself. I dont have that confidence in myself to love someone. I am just afraid that I will make that someone sad, through my wilful ways. I am afraid, I will take him for granted. Most importantly, I have not yet learn how to trust.
I always have a thinking in my head that is " The grace right now, isnt worth to be loved anymore." That is how I lose faith in myself. That is how I cant never be confident.
To me, loving someone, means being able to see that person happy. Its not really that bad. I can spend more time in my studies. Hehehe.
But nevertheless, I am still looking forward to the day, where I am loved, where I have yet ti recieve my favourite flower, where I find my extra happiness, sadness and anger. Where I can give my heart to someone, to care for him, to be there for him, to make him smile and to Love him wholeheartedly. If there can ever be a day, I promise, I would learn how to trust.