Lets see, I hadn't blog for more than three weeks already! It is either I'm too busy to blog, or too lazy to do so or I just can't put everything I wanted to say into words. Since I'm absent from school today, I've all the time to translate my feelings into words.
The past three weeks was an emotional roller coaster for me, but I am thankful it had somehow gotten better during the last few days or so. Before I move on to sharing my inner thoughts with you, lets start by recalling on what I have been busy with during the last three weeks.
1) I've been dreaming on death alot. Before, it was my grandmother I dreamed of, but last night it switched to my dog, Tiger. I know that death is inevitable; one day all my loved ones with pass on and I will be left all alone in this cold, scary world. Maybe it is a sign from God to cherish, treasure and spend more time with them before it is too late? Other than death, my other dreams were focused on people hurting me. I heard dreams are influences of our own reality, maybe it's my own fear of something (I will explain later) that keeps triggering such dreams.
2) I watched the movie "Knowing". It's a very good, thrilling, unpredictable movie. The movie was on natural disasters and eventually leading up to the Apocalypse. The sounding was amazing. It sounded like I was watching a horror movie instead. Hahas. The only problem I did not foresee was the sad ending.
3) I volunteered for the "Hello" campaign for the Singapore Kindness Week. We basically had to go around Orchard Road, greeting strangers with Hellos, asking them to pledge for the movement and giving them a smiley sticker. Sounds very exciting right, but being the typical Singaporeans we are, asking them to pledge for the movement was like asking them for a donation. By the end of the day, I just wanted to say "Bye Bye!"
3) Most of my time were spent on last minute investiture rehearsals. I didn't really mind because I get to see someone there. :) & before I knew it, 15 April came and the councilors were officially stepped down. REJOICE! But, I still had to attend MI official opening rehearsals.
4) Went back to school for the last two Saturdays for Geography skills workshop. Although I wasn't paying much attention, I managed to learn a skill or two.
5) Had a family day out including the dogs at East Coast Park on one of the Sunday. It was really fun to have a "picnic" together. We packed food from the nearby hawker, sat at one of the BBQ table and eat together as thought as if we're having a picnic. I'm sure the dogs have their fair share of fun too.
6) I had recenty joined the Handball girls for practice. We did basic drills like every other PE days. Doubt I will continue to stay on. There is no way I have the time to be committed for 3 days a week practice till July. I need to focus more on my A levels since it is drawing nearer.
7) I was one of the speakers for an Economics debate last Friday. Surprising right, considering the fact that I totally suck in debating. I was the first speaker of the proposition team and our notion was "The recession will end in 2010." I spent a week preparing my points and speech. And when Friday came, our third speaker didn't came to school! Thankfully, we had a reserve speaker and he did a great job! At the end, our team won the debate and the the even more surprising part, I was named best speaker for the debate! Hahas. After more than one year of quitting the school debating club due to my speaking and nervousness problems, looks like I've been miraculously cured from it. However, I still have plenty of room for improvements.
8) Participated in the Raw Duathlon yesterday. I am totally crazy! I had to endure a total of 10km of running and 40km of cycling under the scorching sun. Besides that, the after effects were terrible. My knees hurts so badly. I hadn't train ever since Newton Active Run ended. What made me so crazy to have signed up for this! I am neither going to cycle for the rest of the year nor am I going to join anymore marathon for the next few months. Anyways, the timing if could remember was around 4 Hours, 20 mins plus. Will post up official timing tomorrow.
These 8 things are the culprits that were keeping me from blogging. Now I will blog on my inner thoughts that I had been wanting to share for a very long time, but had always kept inside me. It can be harsh, but I just want you guys to understand whats going on inside me better.
They are on friendship and love. I have a bestfriend, a handful of good friends and plenty of friends who are very dear to me. My definition of a friend is someone who will stay by my side through thick and thin. I would also do so for my friend. However, this definition had been proven to be too idealistic. I guess. Initially I couldn't express out how I felt towards this matter in words. That is why I decided to put it into my A level coursework, because a picture paints a thousand words. On one canvas, it will be on friendship, represented by shoes. The meaning behind that work is that in times when I needed my friends
the most, they will leave me or I can never find them.
At this point, don't start misunderstanding my intentions. There are still a handful that will always be there for me, if they knew I needed their help. Afterall, I am a very difficult person to understand. It is difficult to search for signs of help beneath my facade. At times, even if any of you manage to spot any signs, I will just brush it off or I may reply you "I really don't know how to tell you" and stuff like that. And believe it or not, it takes alot of courage from me just to share with you guys this.
Many of the nights I spent crying, I always had this on my mind. "How I wish there was a shoulder for me to cry on and to hear words of encouragement from anyone." But nevertheless,
I am still thankful and appreciate the presence of all my friends. Without them, I could have been much worse.
It had been almost a month since I like someone else. However, I have no intentions more than just liking him only. Not because I don't want to, but because he means so much more to me than anyone has that it would hurt so much if he were to ever hurt my feelings. Unbeknown to many, the last 3 guys I loved, all ended up liking my friends. You can call it a curse or it was just my luck. But you can never understanding the pain of having to go through this THRICE consecutively! I never choose for it to go this way, but this is the sad truth that had happened in my life. I knew you guys hid the truth from me for my own good. But I knew what was going on already. What I needed wasn't you guys to hide the truth from me, but for you guys to be by side when it hurts the most.
I fear it would happen a fourth time. I don't want a fourth time. And because this person is so special to me, a fourth time would hurt so much more terribly. This must have been why I had been having those 'separation' dreams. I have been trying to be optimistic towards this matter, but pessimism always creeps in. So, should I stop listening to my heart? Should I stop all my foolish optimism?
"When you love somebody, you'll sacrifice.
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice.
You'd risk it all, no matter what may come."
~Byan Adams