Before you, my life was like a moonless night.
Very dark, but there were stars — points of light and reason.
And then you shot across my sky like a meteor.
Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black.
Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light.
I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
- Edward Cullen to Bella.
Profile.
♥GRACE 03 02 1990
Posting.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011, 12:06:00 AM
When I was a small kid, he would always bring me to sit the MRT to nowhere. Where ever I wanted to alight, we would just go down and walk around before taking it back home. After dinner, he would always bring me out of the house to walk. We will always end up at a small mama shop and he would buy me my favourite sweets.
Even though he don't really understand english, he still brought me to watch the movie Pocahantas. And instead of popcorn, he would get me a mix bag of gummy sweets. You know the ones with cute shapes like vampire tooth, berries, bears, snakes, ......
Sometimes he would bring me to the library across the road. Not to read books, but to look out of the glass window just to see the cars move by.
I remember once I fell down while crossing the road with my grandmother, just so I could quickly meet up with my grandfather. He was so worried, he quickly bought a box full of plasters for me. I was left with a scar on my knee. The mark is still there, but it has faded a lot.
Once I took a magazine and showed him the play dough toys I wanted. And he told me, "I would buy for you when I stike 4D". But that night, I kept throwing my tantrums insisting he buy it for me right away. And he did. He brought me to the department store and got it for me. I still remember he took out a 50 dollar note to pay for it. Then my heart ache a little. Because my grandfather actually work for that money. But I was a stubborn girl.
When I was young, I love to play "cooking cooking." I had my own kitchen set. I would always be the cook, and my grandfather the customer. It was so much fun.
At night while we sleep, he would always recite to me cantonese poems. And I would always have to complete the poetry with a final sentence that I have long forgotten. He always tells me that when I grow up, I have to be a good girl. Listen to my parents. Study hard. And up till today, he still tells me that.
But when I'm now all grown up, I rarely even spend time with him anymore. Busy with my own life. Forgetting all the love and sacrifices I've been showered with. I'm such a bad grand daughter.
He loves to smoke. But my uncle, aunties and mum knows he will listen to me. So one day I told him don't smoke anymore. And he listened. He quitted smoking.
I remember once we went on a holiday. I was left alone in the pool. And you know how I am afraid of water. I came out of the pool, searching for my parents. I couldn't find them or anyone I knew. I was on the verge of crying. And it was him who came to my help.
When I went back home to live with my parents and when my parents scolded or want to cane me. I would just call him for help. And he would scold my parents and save me. He really is my guardian angel.
Everyday of my first 4 years of life, was filled with happiness and love. And I could never ask for a better childhood. If I ever live again, I don't want any of this to change.
I was his favourite grandchild. And he was my favourite grandfather. I can't imagine a day without him.
Every single year without fail, there will be one birthday wish that would be "God, please don't take my grandparents away from me. I love them very much."
But I've never told them how much I love them so. I wish I had the courage to hug them and tell them "I love you." Same goes for my parents. :'((
Sunday, February 20, 2011, 12:01:00 AM
Had my first korean class at NUS exchange. The class is very big, but the teacher very interesting. ((: I like korean lessons.
Went to church after class. Made the same prayer for you like all the past weeks. I'm surprise at myself. Dilligently finding time to go to church. Maybe its because I believe that if I go to church enough and make the same prayer for you at every single session. God will probably make it come true.
But of course, I'm there to recieve God's loving words too. ((:
Saturday, February 19, 2011, 1:55:00 AM
I wish the rest could see through my eyes how beautiful you are.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011, 10:58:00 PM
How I long that whenever I cry, my mummy will be there to comfort me. But she never does. Not once when I broke up with my boyfriends, nor when I was troubling with my directions in life. I'm the eldest, I have to be stronger than any of my sisters. Need to be independent, so my sisters can learn from me.
In some ways, I thank my parents for teaching me this way. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be the independent, wise, strong, optimistic girl I am today.
But......, I feel very lonely with no shoulders to cry on.
Monday, February 14, 2011, 11:03:00 PM
14 February 2011.
Roses, chocolates, balloons and couples hand in hand are filling the streets. Makes me feel lonely.
Dear you, I have no chocolates, teddy bears nor surprises for you. Just this song I've been learning for the past few weeks. I do not have the best piano skills out there, but it is played with my most sincere heart. This is my present to you.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Love, Grace.
*You have to scroll down my page, stop my blog page music before playing.
The video below is my "Full" Version of the piano piece. It is filled with mistakes though. But I like it better. ((:
Sunday, February 13, 2011, 11:03:00 PM
Days are getting more boring for me. My parent's have their own plans. My sisters have their own lives. My friends are busy. So it's left with my book and me.
I want to do so many things. But it is not fun doing it by myself.
Watch the sunrise or the sunset. Do some cycling, running or even day dreaming by the beach.
Riding the Singapore flyer or the river boat. Walking down chinatown, little india, arab street, sentosa..... Taking pictures of everything ugly and beautiful.
Fly a kite at Marina barrage. Go to an ice-skating rink or a bowling alley. Or even playing pool.
Visit the museums. Spend hours and hours marveling at the works on display. Or sitting at the cafe, sipping coffee, chit chatting or reading a book together.
I just don't want to do things alone. It is not fun.
Friday, February 11, 2011, 11:38:00 PM
Today I came to a conclusion. Whatever that has happened, it is all God's will. God has been protecting me these four years. Making sure I never be so hurt ever again. Because it pains him. & because God doesn't want me to scold him and resented him like I did 4 years ago. Because again, it pains him.
I remember the words I told God that day. "I don't want to be in love ever again!! I'm going to lock my heart forever." And I begged him not to let me be hurt anymore. "If one day, I ever moved on and fall in love ago, please take him away from me. I don't want a moment of blindness to cause me a future of pain."
And four years just passed like this.
Not many people knew what happened.
"Except that my ex boyfriend and I chose to break up right after he made the decision to go USA to study. Then, I was a selfish person. I didn't want him to go. I couldn't accept his dream. And I didn't want to wait for him to come back. Because I can't trust him. That probably, made him snapped.
The funny thing was, God hinted to me before that we will never work out. But I never listened to him. Right after one week we started dating, he disappeared. We broke up. But I was sad, but not very sad, since we just started. And 2 weeks later, he came asking me to come back to him. In my head, it was a clear no. I never give anyone a second chance in love. I didn't give him an answer. He assumed it was a yes. And I let him assumed that way, till it was too late for me.
When we got back together, I was already going to church. I asked him to go with me. He did. He never believed in God, up till today. That day at the church, while we were singing our praises, he got outof his seat with displeasure, left the room and smoke! His rudeness and disrespecting attitude pissed me off. But, I didn't do anything. And I even let him talked me out of going to church.
You know how they say, Love is Blind. Now that I think back, I was really blinded to the point I lost my own senses. I became someone, I don't know at all. Needless to say, we were fated to break up at some point. Because it was all God's will. And I believed it was my punishment to suffer the pain. Being with Hoang was my life's biggest and only regret. "
These, took most of my cheerfulness away. In the past I was a very optimistic and happy person. I'll always giggle at everything, and have a huge smile on my face all the time. Even my teacher would comment to me "How can you be so cheerful all the time." Hahahas.
But! These, made me a wiser and more matured person. I became more understanding. And my motto in life became "Don't ever have any regrets in your life."
And fast forward today, I am grateful to God for making me into the person I am today. I still have my flaws. I am still learning how to become a better me. But I'm happy to be me. I love myself. ((:
And I am also happy to have embraced my past today, so that I can live in the present. It was a burden to be caught in between. Now, I can heave a sigh of relieve.
God had never forsaken me. I did. But he still loves me no matter what I had done in heaven and on earth. I am still sinning, and he is still forgiving. God even told me to trust him with all my heart, that someday, he will give me someone who will sweep me off my feet.
Today, God taught me how to love someone selflessly. There were tears in my eyes. But a big smile on my face. I am happy.
My answer:-
You know I love you when I pray for you every night, hoping you will find your happiness. For God, to give you that one girl who will let you sweep her off her feet.
Amen.
Monday, February 7, 2011, 10:22:00 PM
Woke up at 8.30 this morning. Left my house at 9.15am. Took the train to Bugis. From Bugis, I walked all the way to Little India. There I saw a different part of singapore. The vibrancy and culture I thought Singapore never had.
Had my interview. I initially wanted to just go back home. But since I'm rarely up so early with so much free time, why not explore more. From Little India, I walked to Bencoolen street. There, I remembered how my grandparents used to bring me here practically everyday. To walk around and to visit the temple to pray for me to do well in my studies. It is amazing feeling to just remember the past I had forgotten over the years. The place is still filled with many people; elderlys. People visiting the temple, shopping from the pasar malam. I felt my heart warmed.
From there, my feets brought me to Dhoby Ghaut. To Park Mall. Took the lift up to the 12th floor to NUS exchange and gave myself my dream.
Walked passed SMU to City Hall, wishing I had studied hard enough to enter this school. It hit on me that if I scored good grades, I wouldn't be in the dilemma I am in now. And if I ever have a chance again, I am going to study very very hard.
Took the train from city hall. Wanted to make my contact lenses today. But the shop is closed till Thursday. By then the afternoon sun was up. I just took a bus home even though it is just 2 stops away.
I don't get to live everyone morning like today. And I figured if I live every morning like this, it would probably lost its amazement and meaning. This morning, I felt I lived my life to the fullest. ((:
What did you do this morning?
---------------------------------------------------------------- 3 years ago, I loved you. 3 year later, I am falling in love with you over again. 3 years ago, you didn't loved me. 3 year later, will you love me?
But I treasure our friendship so much to let you know ever again. I don't want to ruin anything between us. I am already happy with you by my side. That's enough. ((:
Sunday, February 6, 2011, 10:19:00 PM
Valentines day is once again approaching. It will be my 21st time being alone on that day.
"I love you. You love me too." How does it feel to have that kind of love? I have long forgotten. Was I happy? It is almost 4 years of just me in my life.
Saturday, February 5, 2011, 11:57:00 PM
The greatest story ever told- Oliver James.
"And if I lived a thousand years
You know I never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you that day
but if destiny decided I should look the other way
then the world would never know the greatest story ever told
and did I tell you that I love you
tonight..."
I have so many people that I call a friend in my life. But how many out of these people are actually a real friend; I really don't know. Only they know.
Up till today I always find it very difficult to call any friend, my bestfriend. Even the closest ones to me. I have a big problem with trusting anyone. Because a bestfriend hurting me is more painful than me breaking up with a boyfriend. Seriously.
"In primary school, I had my first bestfriend called X. We were very close. But one day in Primary 6, I saw her passing letters to another classmate of mine and when I came to talk to them, she quickly hid the letter from me. Told my another close friend, Y, about it. And she actually came running up to me after school with that letter. After I read the contents of the letter which I still kept up till today, I NEVER talked to X ever again, even when we went to the same secondary school. She was the first and only person in my life I could never forgive. "
From then on, I never acknowledged anyone as my bestfriend ever again. Only close friends, friends and aquaintances.
Sometimes, I really wish I have that bestfriend who I can always talked to, share all my secrets to, cry to, laugh to, and to talk cock with. The one person that will be there for me. The one person that I can trust. But if I ever have one, will they hurt me?
My 2011 Resolutions
1)Earn many many money
- Travel to Taiwan in Auguest
- & back to orea in the 2nd half of the year.
2) Don't go back to School, unless I know what I really want to study.
- Study something I love and not because of influence.
3) Grow as a person
- Practice patience and tolerance. But don't overdo it and hurt myself.
- Control my hot temper!
4) Fall in love
-Not a one sided love. It's time to open up my heart. Don't be afraid. Be strong!
-Believe and trust. :D
5) Stay Strong For My Dream
- I must never ever give up! Must stay positive
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All these I have it engraved into my 2011 diary. So that it can remind me every single day. But just going into the 2nd month of the year, I already know resolution number 2 cannot be fulfilled and resolution number 1 will most likely be just half fulfilled.
Yes, I've decided to go back to school. I'm not going to study something I love. But I can't say it is something I hate too. I am going back to school purely because of influence and pressure, from everyone else and including myself. This isn't what I want. However, I have to admit I have to do something about it. I can't be forever waiting and longing for something I cannot have. Thus, I choosed the alternative route.
I am very afraid I might live to regret my decision. But who knows I might not. Realised I cannot be forever living in fears.
Resolution no.5- Stay strong for my dream, is still staying strong in me.
I may have chosen an alternative route despite knowing that is not what I want, but I'm still not giving up on my dream. It just means I'll take a longer time to reach there.
I'm very lucky to be able to live my dream once already. It was the best time of my life. And because I was able to live once and feel it, all the more I am going to fight for it. To work hard for it. I promise, someday I will reach there.
Never once, I felt the one year sacrificed was in vain. I learned many things. Experienced so much that one year being in school earlier could give me. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------