I do not know if you all know this, but I am just going to say it anyway.
I am afraid to be alone. Loneliness is second to my fear for death. I am afraid of losing everyone I love so much one day, life just wouldn't be the same anymore. That is why, every single birthday, I would make the one very wish to God for him not to take them away from me.
I am afraid to show my true feelings. I don't know how to express my inner thoughts. Especially with things concerning me. Many of you may know this about me, so you try to take the first step asking me what is wrong and all. And most of the time, you would just end up getting a vague answer from me, or a nevermind, or a I don't know. I do it to make myself less vulnerable to problems in the future. But look, I am trying right now.
Freedom used to be all that I ever wanted. I am not someone to be 'limited'. But now, when I'm nineteen, having all the freedom I could have, it just doesn't feel right anymore. Sometimes, I just want to be a little girl, having my daddy and mummy at the side caring for me, looking out for me. To receive hugs from my mummy every single night, hearing them telling me they love me and me telling them "I love them too". I miss all the "sayang-ness" I got from them when I was sad. When I still a little girl, I used to want to grow up faster. But now, when I'm grown up, I keep telling myself why did I have to grow up so soon.
Inside, I don't trust anyone easily. I know how painful it feels to be betrayed by my own good friends. From that day onwards, I learnt that nothing lasts forever. So I stop trusting as a pre emptive approach to protect myself from future hurt. This is also the reason why I find it difficult to express my inner self to others. But when I start trusting and opening up myself, you would wish I wouldn't.
When it comes to love, I don't know what to say. When you experience the situation where "the last four times you ever loved somebody, they ended up loving your good friends", then you would probably understand a little of how painful of an experience it had been. Coincidence, maybe? So when you don't have any confidence in yourself, don't love. Life always goes on. And I am becoming to like the sound of being thirty but still single and unavailable. Afterall it's the 21st century, I don't need a man to survive. I can be my own prince. But like The Fray's sings 'Never say never'.
Okays, five is enough for today. I don't want you to be overshock by all the confessions of the real me. So till another time, goodnight.
I am afraid to be alone. Loneliness is second to my fear for death. I am afraid of losing everyone I love so much one day, life just wouldn't be the same anymore. That is why, every single birthday, I would make the one very wish to God for him not to take them away from me.
I am afraid to show my true feelings. I don't know how to express my inner thoughts. Especially with things concerning me. Many of you may know this about me, so you try to take the first step asking me what is wrong and all. And most of the time, you would just end up getting a vague answer from me, or a nevermind, or a I don't know. I do it to make myself less vulnerable to problems in the future. But look, I am trying right now.
Freedom used to be all that I ever wanted. I am not someone to be 'limited'. But now, when I'm nineteen, having all the freedom I could have, it just doesn't feel right anymore. Sometimes, I just want to be a little girl, having my daddy and mummy at the side caring for me, looking out for me. To receive hugs from my mummy every single night, hearing them telling me they love me and me telling them "I love them too". I miss all the "sayang-ness" I got from them when I was sad. When I still a little girl, I used to want to grow up faster. But now, when I'm grown up, I keep telling myself why did I have to grow up so soon.
Inside, I don't trust anyone easily. I know how painful it feels to be betrayed by my own good friends. From that day onwards, I learnt that nothing lasts forever. So I stop trusting as a pre emptive approach to protect myself from future hurt. This is also the reason why I find it difficult to express my inner self to others. But when I start trusting and opening up myself, you would wish I wouldn't.
When it comes to love, I don't know what to say. When you experience the situation where "the last four times you ever loved somebody, they ended up loving your good friends", then you would probably understand a little of how painful of an experience it had been. Coincidence, maybe? So when you don't have any confidence in yourself, don't love. Life always goes on. And I am becoming to like the sound of being thirty but still single and unavailable. Afterall it's the 21st century, I don't need a man to survive. I can be my own prince. But like The Fray's sings 'Never say never'.
Okays, five is enough for today. I don't want you to be overshock by all the confessions of the real me. So till another time, goodnight.
